yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
