Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
