I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
