The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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