woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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