my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
