I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
