you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
