her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
