Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
