have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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