I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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