Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
