They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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