i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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