hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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