i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
