I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
