...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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