So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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