Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
time to smoke my breakfast
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
