i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
