her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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