If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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