can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
