Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
