I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
