He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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