i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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