It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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