he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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