I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
