Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
