I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
