you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
