Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
