I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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