I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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