Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
