I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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