I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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