I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
