today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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