Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
