Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
