My nipple is on Facebook.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Let's paint friendship bongs
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
