i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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