You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
