judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
