i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
