either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
