dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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