She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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