And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i barfeds in our rink
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
