even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I need to stop coming to work sober
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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