don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
