omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
