i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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