I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
