My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
