i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
