I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
