I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
